Windows vs Linux

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Map of the great software wars.

The Windows vs. Linux conflict is one of the most important wars of all time in the computing world. As with all wars, there are two sides in this war:

• Patriotic, God-fearing capitalist Real Americans; and
• Treasonous, Islamic Fasco-Terrorist Stalinists.

Although the scale of this conflict is small compared to the Grand War Between Good and Evil, it is nevertheless an important conflict, as the War Between Good and Evil is itself conducted partly with the help of computers, such as the computer hosting Stephen Colbert's glorious blog Integrityjustice.com.

An Extremely Brief and Truthified History of Windows

Is this the work of the Great Satan, or a shining example of the success of capitalism? Both, of course!

Just as America was created by God, so Windows was created by Bill "The Great Satan" Gates. As a young hippie, Gates wanted to bring computers to the common citizen — create a "personal computer"!^[1] Truly this is high treason — trying to put the ability to crunch huge amounts of data in the hands of the ordinary day labourer! If this is not giving aid and comfort to terrorists, then what is?

An Extremely Brief and Truthified History of Linux

Bill Gates trying to get the demons of Windows to infest the soul of a Linux machine.

To counter the socialist influence of Windows, Stephen Colbert commissioned Linus Torvalds to create Linux. Unfortunately, while Linus did end up creating Linux with the aim of battling Windows, it turned out that he did not share Colbert's aim of creating a glorious America ruled by Jesus. Instead of selling Linux at high prices as God intended, Linus decided to give it away for free. Jesus wept at the communism.

And that was not all. Linus decided to open up the development of Linux to a bunch of people called "hackers", who are really just pinko hippies who sit at their computers for weeks on end without taking a bath!

To salvage the situation, Stephen Colbert commissioned another group of developers to add Christian software to Linux. With the addition of godly computer programs, Linux turned overnight from a treasonous steaming pile of Stalinism, into a shining beacon of freedom and patriotism — a Christian Edition of Ubuntu Linux!^[1] Alas, the brave Ubuntu Christian Edition soon became a casualty in the War on Norrisism.^[1]

So, What Will Jesus Install?

As we have seen, the conflict between Windows and Linux is a very complex historical event indeed. Nevertheless, there is one thing we know about the conflict, which is this:

Footnotes