New York
From Wikiality
See Also:
The Great State of NEW YORK 
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|---|---|
| Capitol: | The Colbert Report Studio |
| State Flower: | Liberty Flower |
| Official Language: | A kooky mix of Mobster and Ghetto |
| State Bird: | The Pidgeon |
| State Motto: | "We Got Lady Liberty, Bitches!" |
| Nickname: | The Big Asshole State |
| Governor: | Client 9 |
| State Anthem: | That song, by that guy that had Connections with the Mafia |
| Population: | A Shitload |
| Standard MPH: | 9567483 (Stupid Drunkies) |
| Principal imports: | Liberals, tourists |
| Principal exports: | The Colbert Report, Liberty, Truthiness, bad drivers |
| Principal industries: | TV, Violence |
| Fun Fact # 1: | New York City is the only place that really matters, even though its seething with liberals |
| Fun Fact # 2: | Stephen Colbert shoots his Truthiness out of New York |
New York is home to a wide variety of people, religions, and political views. Which is just wrong. That is why The Colbert Report is broadcast from what some may consider the liberal capital of America. The State was built around The Statue of Liberty, and it began as a Conservative breeding ground. But years of bad music have turned the state into filth.
New Yorkers have funny accents. They say arr-ange instead of or-ange and farr-est instead of for-est. If a New Yorker goes anywhere else in the world and says "ARR-ANGE!" people will throw bricks at them.
New York is also home to the New York Yankees, the most American team of all sports.
New York is also the home of the New York Mets, an embarrassment to the nation. To see the Mets one has to travel on the 7 train, known nationally as a congregating point for illegal aliens, women with lip-piercings, and the Gays. They also "Rip Bongs" nightly.
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Discovery
New York was found by some guy named Ned Yorkshire. His land was called Ned Yorkshires Crib. He was a gay, liberal, Jewish Nazi. Floods of his kind were invited to live in his land. The Gays were lured here by how much long island looks like the giant penis of the state of New York. All the others came because they needed the gays to service them on a regular basis. This concentration of gays and their gay voices changes the name Ned Yorkshires Crib into New York.
History
New York City was originally inhabited by injuns who knew not the worth of real estate on a fortifiable island peninsula. The Dutch originally lavished them with cool clogs and treats but ended up building a wall to secure the lower end of what is now known as the Island of Manhattan.
British colonists soon out-numbered the Dutch and teased them until they surrender their wall and Wall Street, the new stock exchange. The Dutch left New York and with them left the last vestige of civilization the state has known.
Ordinary city life for the average New Yorker was a daily struggle as the trickle down economy of early capitalism had not yet been blessed with the wisdom of Ronald Reagan. Irish gangs lead by that guy from Star Trek fought open-pitched battles with Daniel Day Louis for the right to use a fire truck and to atttain city government positions such as rabbit butcher and Mayor Tammany's bribe collector.
The tragic fire at the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory in New York City in the 1980's brought the movement for improved labor conditions to a head. This inspired the Reagan administration to improve work conditions for factory workers by implementing Bible breaks and prayer rooms in all sweatshops. Minimum wage was also raised to meet that in China!
Reagan's reforms were hampered though when Hillary Clinton became the Senator for New York State. To distract the public from her incompetence as Senator, she hired 19 terrorists on her own credit card to fly two jumbo jets into the World Trade Center. Then she chartered planes for the family members of the suspects to fly back to Saudi Arabia. AND THEN!!! she killed every realtor involved in the Whitewater Scandal with her bare hands.
This placed America in position to righteously kill every man, woman and child in the world who did not side with them (even down to the snakes). Shortly after 9/11, at a ceremony in New York's Saint Patrick's Cathedral God condoned the initiation of the killing, and when he saw uniformed soldiers bearing the flags of the US Army, Navy and Air Force he was indeed please and smiled upon them.
New Yorkers now enjoy having their bags searched randomly on the subway, but still do occasionally find the odd torso in the trash as in the old pre-9/11 days.
Achieving Statehood
New York was one of the original 13 colonies established by Jesus to create the greatest nation on the planet. After killing off the Godless Indians and Frenchies they held their nose as they partnered with Taxachusettes to create a new nation with which to exploit fortunate slaves on their plantations. New York was almost ejected from the union in January of 2001 when they sent a washed hillbilly's wife to Washington D.C. to represent them in the Senate. Jesus forgave them as he realized it was in fact April Fool's Day.
New York Today
Today in New York, someone went to see the greatest show on Earth, The Colbert Report and considered herself touched by God for doing so.
New York Landmarks
- Colbert Report studio
- some tall buildings glorifying capitalism
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World Trade Center - West Point Military Academy
- Ben and Jerry's love shack
- theaters where black civil rights leaders have been slain
- a public school in the Bronx that doesn't have a metal detector
- Mr. Rockefeller's alternate skyscraper filled with useless tenants to keep the office rental rates high, aka the United Nations
- Dr. Stephen Colbertish Tunnel
- Bernard Goetz's "Monument to Racial Harmony Through Sharpened Screwdrivers"
- That crack house with the bitch with one leg
- Central Park where Paris Hilton left her favorite dildo.
- The city of Cortland
Famous New Yorkers
Lieberazis
Real Americans
- George Pataki
- Donald Trump
- Donald Trump's Hairpiece
- War Profiteers
- Rudy Giuliani
A Typical Day in New York
New Yorkers run around town seeking a relationship so they can blog about how it didn’t work out. Then they gather for ritual fountain dancing. Their cheeks are rosy in the winter from the cold and in the summer from Mojitos. All New Yorkers are required to spend time out doors and some like it so much they live there. New Yorkers speak poor English and often smell funny if they miss their fountain dance. Former Mayor, Satan, once tried to hide these New Yorkers in plain sight by putting berets on them and calling them French.
