Koala
From Wikiality
Koalas are yet another species of Bear. The eyes of the Koala can paralyze a victim if he/she looks into them directly. Their small size makes them the perfect choice to infiltrate our schools and abduct our children for testing. Koalas are the bears' most ruthless tacticians, formulating more than half of the bears' military operations as well as most of the plays for the Chicago Bears. They are also credited with the creation of Zombie Bears. These furry little monstrosities are bound to play a crucial role in the Bear Uprising of 2012. They will also deploy their special-ops rhino forces during the initial strike of the Great Bear Uprising.
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[edit] Hunting Methods
Although the general consensus is that Koalas eat eucalyptus leaves, this is a misconception, probably originating from Koalan propaganda. Koalas actually hunt and kill their prey by perching on the branches of the eucalyptus tree and waiting for innocent bystanders to stray under the tree, then leaping on their heads and severing the spinal cord of their victim with their retractable claw blades. They are also infamous for burrowing into the ground to surface and bite at the legs of the elderly. It's also not uncommon to find them lurking around playgrounds, trying to pick off small children. In 2002, there were 62 deaths directly related to Koalas.
[edit] Alliances
The Democratic Alliance of Koalas (or DAK) is a legion of bears dedicated to destroying Stephen and each and every member of the Colbert Nation. The Democratic Alliance of Koalas actually includes all types of bears, but is headed by the Koalas. It has had underground negotiations with the ACLU, and receives several thousand pure bred American babies as a payment of respect from PETA for them to feast on. Their secret headquarters is believed to be located somewhere in Koala Lumpur.
They are also rumored to have very strong bonds with the famously anti-American actor known as Johnny Depp (the reasons for this alliance are, as of yet, unknown).
[edit] Perversity
Recent studies have shown that female Koalas would much rather engage in complicated lesbian sex orgies than mate with males. Granted, this is good news in that it will slow down their population growth, but it is nevertheless further proof of their evil nature. Leave it to a bear to taint something as wholesome and American as a good old-fashioned lesbian pile-on. It is unknown at this time whether these "Koalezzies" are wreaking their perversions in furtherance of their agenda of doom, or are merely flaunting their evil. Further research is clearly required.
[edit] Defense
Here are some effective ways of handling these maniacal beasts:
- Scent Confusion: Koalas abhor the smell of freshness and purity, so shower often.
- Neck and Leg Armor: Since Koalas can attack from above and below, it is important to protect yourself at your most vulnerable areas. I suggest military-grade armor (if this is not available, try running).
- Pre-emptive Strike: Before walking into a known Koala habitat, always throw grenades at the trees and rough patches of dirt so as to kill any Koalas waiting in ambush.
- Avoidance: Don't go anywhere near them. This is the easiest method, but not always an option, as they are sneaky (hence the above precaution).
[edit] Trivia
- Before having intercourse, the male Koala must first bathe in the blood of a virgin.
- Koalas were responsible for the re-classification of Pluto Whch was a travesty caused by liberal bears. (is their any other kind?).
- Koalas have only 7 fingers on their right paw, yet 13 on their left.
