Judge, Jury & Executioner

From Wikiality

Judge, Jury & Executioner is the legal segment of The Colbert Report. It debuted on the January 30, 2007 edition of The Report, with Stephen declaring that while he is no Nancy Grace, he has enough legal experience as a defendant in various lawsuits brought against him to mete out justice as he sees fit.

CASE 1

innocent until proven guilty of whatever heinous crime the bastard probably did

loose cannon prosecutor Patrick Fitgerald

on witch hunt, jailed Judy Miller

didn't get bob novak, he's hard to catch when in bat form

Fitzgerald hauled in VP aide Scooter Libby on perjury charges. Since the trial is going on now, and Stephen is not familiar with the case, and he hasn't heard any testimony, so he's going to say Libby is innocent

NOTES

Tawdry sex-for-drugs trial: does a life sentence for adultery too extreme? NO!

10 Commandments are the foundation of our legal system - you break one, you should suffer the maximum penalty.

NOTES2

CASE 2

thou shalt not commit adultery

Cheat on your wife, go to prison for life.

solid legal thinking because it rhymes

amp up punishments for all the commandments:

covet thy neighbors ass, it's off to the chamber of gas, ass-coveter

CASE 3

levi jeans - suing rivals:

suing von dutch, zenya, guess, esprit, and lucky?

copy trademark pocket design

Should Stephen recuse himself, since Stephen once sued Levis. He couldn't open button fly in speedy manner, which caused emotional distress, loss of consortium and he had to have his hardwood floors refinished.

Someone has to speak up for victims here.

Research: had female interns try on all these jeans, invited them into his office for 10 min closed-door inspection in competitors' jeans

found Levis lawsuit baseless, just like baseless harassment lawsuits brought by interns - Stephen not guilty. Sustained!

June 25, 2008 Cases

• Exxon v. Baker
  • Exxon was exxonerated
• District of Columbia v. Heller
  • everything is a militia
• NRDC v. Winter
  • Stephen has been pursuing a whale all his life (He'll get you one day, Fudgie!)
  • Navy wins!