Colbert Platinum

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Colbert Platinum
is a featured segment of
the Greatest American Television Show--EVER!!!, The Colbert Report.

Warning This page is only for people whose net wealth exceeds $500,000 $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.23. You must also have more than a home and a vacation home.

Colbert Platinum[1] is the high-end luxury segment of The Report, aimed at discerning rich personages whom Stephen would very much like to meet. Greeting wielders of diamond-encrusted diamond encrusters.

Contents

[edit] Edition of April 23, 2008

  • not a platinum, change the channel, QVC is doing an hour of dog sweaters
  • run over dolphins
  • can finally use underwater McDonalds
    • almost makes it seem oike food
  • Dinosaurs
    • Stephen could have bid for it drunk
    • Stephen wants something Jesus touched
  • luxury coffee
    • $4.00 is ridiculous, why can;t he pay more?
  • $100/cup
    • harvested from Indonesian cat poop
    • only thing more elite would be drinking it straight from the cat
  • Next Time: Mythical Creatures: Why Can't I Buy One?

[edit] Edition of March 11, 2008

International Edition

for Colbert Platinum, if you have never hunted a man for sport, if you have, this segment should allow your quarry an appropriate lead time

  • Liechtenstein
    • great secret tax shelter
    • Stephen's nemesis, Dr. Von Kluug (sp?)
    • Stephen has declared his home its own private principality
  • Counterfeit Ferraris

[edit] Edition of October 11, 2007

Kidz Edition


"If your school doesn't end in 'Prep,' 'Academy' or your own last name, run along."

  • Art Collections
  • Doll Houses
  • Papparazzi

[edit] Edition of September 19, 2007

Green Edition

Do your part to conserve energy by keeping the thermostats at 68 in the winter and 72 in the summer on your hovercraft.

[edit] Edition of August 22, 2007

  • St. Tropez
    • helicopters are noisy
    • alternative Imperial Walkers
  • Champagne Crunch (Champagne Jam)
    • India drinks alot
    • tech support guys are hammered on Cristal
    • spike the vine with growth hormones grapes the size of Barry Bond's head
  • Ermine and Mink controversy next time
    • Furminken ?

[edit] Edition of July 23, 2007

Private submersible business is booming.

Forces champagne bubbles directly into bloodstream

Polo ponies have horse herpes.

[edit] Edition of June 28, 2007

Best for signing pre-nuptual agreements
Best for signing pre-nuptual agreements
  • The number of luxury cars getting totalled is rising fast. Just rich people testing out their Louis Vuitton airbags.
    • The Vatican issued rules of driving, in which the Pope hates on the players because of his unpimped Popemobile
  • When making a shopping list of impossibly priced items, use the Montblanc Limited Edition Mystery Masterpiece fountain pen
    • Yours for the introductory price of $700,000
      • Warning, this pen may leak


[edit] Edition of June 12, 2007

I love you daddy!
I love you daddy!
  • A story that affects us all: a world wide shortage of butlers. Luckily, Reginald, Stephen's butler (since forever) warms all the doorknobs in his path. There is also a shortage of yacht crews.
  • For Father's Day, how about a $98 million dollar diamond encrusted platinum skull by artist Damien Hirst for Dad?


[edit] Footnotes

  1. ↑ Colbert Platinum and this page are for Platinum Colbert Nation members only. If you earn less than $2 million dollars a year, grab your bong and some Cheetos and switch over to Adult Swim
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